I Almost Died Today

Seriously.

I rode 1/3 mile on my bicycle today, and I almost died.

1/3 of a mile.

I didn't even get out of the neighborhood before my thighs started burning like a mofo and I had an asthma attack. Thankfully, an elderly couple, who happened to be returning home from their five mile jog, were able to resuscitate me after I passed out in their yard.

I realize I'm out of shape; after all, that is why I bought the bicycle in the first place. But I didn't realize how truly out of shape I really am.

When I was 14, I rode my bicycle all day. I rode it to school, from school, and everywhere after school. My best friend, Ryan Pierce, and I would ride our bicycles until the sun went down. We easily tracked 10 to 20 miles everyday, without a sweat. Now I can't even leave the cul-de-sac without almost dying.

I've finally realized what I must do. First, I have to become famous (it can't be that hard, right?) Then, I have to really let myself let go. Like Orson Wells kind of let go (was that hack?).

That way I can get on one of those celebrity fat camp shows and just ride the gravy train to the bank (literally). As degrading as it might be, at least it is more honorable than ending up on "Celebrity Rehab."

I Know Where You Are

Thanks to my account with sitemeter, not only can I tell how many people visit my Web site, but I can tell where they are from. They offer an option that allows you to view your visitors by a world map. Thus, I'm able to see that the past 100 visitors included readers from the United Kingdom (with the most overseas visitors with 6), Turkey, Portugal, Switzerland (2), Bucharest, France (2), Singapore, Australia, and more.

What is even better than knowing that people from all over the world are reading my blog is knowing why they ended up on my blog. No one overseas knows who I am. Therefore, most my foreign visitors are the result of a Google search. The great deity that it is, Google generates almost half of the traffic to my site (statement based on rough estimates from almost no real research).

With sitemeter, I can see the exact phrase people typed that lead them to my Web site, and to be honest, even I was scared.

For example, every single one of my visitors from the UK was searching for something related to masturbation, such as "how to make masturbation videos" or simply "masturbation instruction" (3 separate cases). It appears that our limey cousins are some of the most perverted people on the planet. That, and/or they are seriously lacking a decent sexual education program. I'm lucky my sixth grade PE teacher gave me a personal lesson on masturbation and how to video tape it properly.

However, my favorite search phrase came from what I assume is my only fan from Turkey. The lucky combination of words that lead him to my Web site were "2 big tobe true double penatration (sic) movies." What does that even mean? I don't know what a "big tobe" is, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. And I safely assume it was a "him" who landed on my Web site because I'm pretty certain women are not allowed to use computers in Turkey.

Overall, it's good to know that in a time when the global financial world is falling apart, people from all over the planet can join together in their appreciation for masturbation.

So cheers, Lads! Just don't try to shake my hand.