I Almost Died Today

Seriously.

I rode 1/3 mile on my bicycle today, and I almost died.

1/3 of a mile.

I didn't even get out of the neighborhood before my thighs started burning like a mofo and I had an asthma attack. Thankfully, an elderly couple, who happened to be returning home from their five mile jog, were able to resuscitate me after I passed out in their yard.

I realize I'm out of shape; after all, that is why I bought the bicycle in the first place. But I didn't realize how truly out of shape I really am.

When I was 14, I rode my bicycle all day. I rode it to school, from school, and everywhere after school. My best friend, Ryan Pierce, and I would ride our bicycles until the sun went down. We easily tracked 10 to 20 miles everyday, without a sweat. Now I can't even leave the cul-de-sac without almost dying.

I've finally realized what I must do. First, I have to become famous (it can't be that hard, right?) Then, I have to really let myself let go. Like Orson Wells kind of let go (was that hack?).

That way I can get on one of those celebrity fat camp shows and just ride the gravy train to the bank (literally). As degrading as it might be, at least it is more honorable than ending up on "Celebrity Rehab."

I Know Where You Are

Thanks to my account with sitemeter, not only can I tell how many people visit my Web site, but I can tell where they are from. They offer an option that allows you to view your visitors by a world map. Thus, I'm able to see that the past 100 visitors included readers from the United Kingdom (with the most overseas visitors with 6), Turkey, Portugal, Switzerland (2), Bucharest, France (2), Singapore, Australia, and more.

What is even better than knowing that people from all over the world are reading my blog is knowing why they ended up on my blog. No one overseas knows who I am. Therefore, most my foreign visitors are the result of a Google search. The great deity that it is, Google generates almost half of the traffic to my site (statement based on rough estimates from almost no real research).

With sitemeter, I can see the exact phrase people typed that lead them to my Web site, and to be honest, even I was scared.

For example, every single one of my visitors from the UK was searching for something related to masturbation, such as "how to make masturbation videos" or simply "masturbation instruction" (3 separate cases). It appears that our limey cousins are some of the most perverted people on the planet. That, and/or they are seriously lacking a decent sexual education program. I'm lucky my sixth grade PE teacher gave me a personal lesson on masturbation and how to video tape it properly.

However, my favorite search phrase came from what I assume is my only fan from Turkey. The lucky combination of words that lead him to my Web site were "2 big tobe true double penatration (sic) movies." What does that even mean? I don't know what a "big tobe" is, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to. And I safely assume it was a "him" who landed on my Web site because I'm pretty certain women are not allowed to use computers in Turkey.

Overall, it's good to know that in a time when the global financial world is falling apart, people from all over the planet can join together in their appreciation for masturbation.

So cheers, Lads! Just don't try to shake my hand.

Six Random Things

So my dear friend and fellow blogger, Katie (Zombie Lace), tagged me in a post a couple of weeks ago, and now I'm reluctantly partaking in her exercise. I say reluctantly because I'm not a fan of these little "get to know me" exercises. They plague the social networking Web sites, such as MySpace and Facebook, where girls post bulletins all day with subjects like "25 things about my number 2" or "I should be working right now" or "I'm an attention whore," and now they seem to be plaguing the blogsphere. What is this, Live Journal?

Now, as much as I might hate these exercises, I love my dear friend Katie, and, much as I hate to admit it, I enjoyed her post. I actually thought I could have fun with it. So here it is:

Six random things about me:


1. Vasectomy

Yes, in 2007 I got a vasectomy. "Why?" you ask. Because kids suck. Literally, they will suck the milk out of your tit and then grow up and suck the soul out of your body. I know because I did it to my mom.


2. Jail

I've been to jail, multiple times. Always for something stupid.

I hesitated mentioning the fact that I've been to jail because potential employers might read my blog, but chances are, they are going to perform a background check on me anyway.

Here's the best part: I've never been convicted of a crime. I've always got off because: 1. I'm smart, and 2. Cops are stupid.

And by no means am I bragging. I'm not hardcore or a thug. As I said earlier, I went to jail for stupid stuff I did as a teenager. I'm a good boy now.

Now, if you want to know why I went to jail, I'll let you spend $15 to look up my criminal background.


3. Third Nipple

Well, it's not really a nipple, but I do have a bump in the middle of my chest that I call a nipple.


4. Virginity

I lost my virginity when I was 20 - because I'm a player! Actually, I'm one of the few guys who believes that sex should be reserved for someone you love and who loves you back. Apparently, no one loved me when I was a teenager. Now you understand why I went to jail multiple times.


5. Bastard

I was born out of wedlock, which makes me a contender for People Magazine's yearly "World's Sexiest Bastards" competition.


6. God

I don't believe in God, but at the same time, I'm not going to do anything to piss him (or her) off. You know, just in case he (or she) does exist.

However, I do believe in Karma. She is a stripper at the Pink Pony.


I hope you are happy Katie. And since I guess I'm required to pass this on, I'm going to tag my cousin Mary, because she loves these things (it's scary really).

"I Have Become Comfortably Numb."

"Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again."

-Pink Floyd, "Comfortably Numb," The Wall

While The Wall is far from being my favorite Pink Floyd album (Wish You Were Here claims that honor, with Atom Heart Mother coming in at a very close second), nor is it even my favorite Pink Floyd movie (Live at Pompeii claims that honor), it nonetheless resides closest to my current position on life.

Stand-up comedy has provided me an outlet to express my feelings, often with the reward of laughter and acknowledgment. I love what I'm doing, and I can't wait to do it more often.

But, at the same time, I've come to realize how truly lonely the position of the stand-up comic really is. It's a strange concept getting on the stage alone with the sole intention of entertaining the people in front of you.

What's great about stand-up comedy is that it is the ultimate expression of the individual. I'm up there alone: telling jokes that I wrote. Unlike other performers, if I succeed, then the glory is all mine. I'm not in a band, so I don't have the share credit with the drummer (true fact: all drummers are douche bags). I'm not an actor, so I don't have to share the stage with some guy who enjoys wearing tights way too much. And I'm not a clown, so I don't have to resort to sleeping with the lions.

However, if I fail, then the shame is all mine as well. If I was in a band that sucked, I'd blame it on the drummer (Def Leppard). If I was an actor, I could blame it on the director's choice to adapt Sophocles tragedy, Antigone, into a romantic comedy set in feudal Japan. If I was a clown, I could blame it on the fact that my uncle touched me once at a Circus (note: not me, the theoretical clown).

Nothing sucks as much as getting on stage and performing for a crowd that doesn't feel your vibe. I should know, it's happened to me a few times over the last six months. Often my approach was to alienate the audience even more by dropping the really sick jokes. Some people will never see cats the same way after sitting through my routine.

But now I'm beginning to see that it's a privilege to perform in front of people. So instead of alienating people who are not feeling my material, I need to find a way to embrace them. I've seen some really great comics around town, both new and old, who are great at embracing the crowd and working with them. That, I believe, is the mark of a truly gifted comedian, and I hope to become better at that myself.

On a side note, my girlfriend and I drove through the Chattahoochee National Forest today with the intention of going hiking, only to find out that every trail we planned to hike was closed for construction. What kind of construction are they doing in the Forest?

Anyway, even though we were disappointed about not going hiking, it was a nice car ride and it gave us the opportunity to spend time together. Because, unlike stand-up comedy, a relationship is a cooperative venture.

Now I sound like Dr. Phil.