Masturbation Instruction Videos

So, I was checking out my own video on Youtube.com, and under related videos, I found the following goldmine: masturbation instruction videos.

While the two or three videos that are currently posted on my related videos will be deleted within a day or two, more will be uploaded to replace them. I'm predicting a surge in the production of masturbation instruction videos, and I will be solely responsible. Well, maybe the girls too.

Hell, I'm just going to make a masturbation instruction video myself. Maybe that is my ticket to making a viral video!

Jerking Off

It's late Friday night (or early Saturday morning depending on how you look at it) here in Atlanta, and after a long night of partying (D&D campaign) and drinking (root beer hangovers), nothing quite caps off the night like a little me time.

Here's a bit from my show Thursday night at the Warren City Club in Virginia Highlands.

Jerking Off

My New Year's Resolutions

I think when I signed up for blogger there was a stipulation in the "user agreement" (who reads those things?) that said I had to come up with New Year's Resolutions and post them. So, after four days of debating, here they are.


1. Find a new job:

I'm thinking "Pirate" sounds like a promising career. Hell, I'm already pirating downloaded music and movies. How much harder could it be to steal a boat full of Russian tanks or $100 million in crude oil?

2. Land a paid gig:

And no, I'm not referring to my former dream of becoming a male stripper.

Comedy has been going good, but I'm still just going through the ropes (sometimes I have to sneak into the club). I'm grateful for any opportunity I get to tell jokes about jerking off or anal rape, but it would be great if I could get paid to do it. So, Comedy Central, if you are reading this, I'm ready for my half hour special.

3. Lose weight:

I think everyone has to make this one, but I think I found an easy way out: I'm cutting off my right leg. Who needs two legs, anyway? Besides, if I get a wood stump as a replacement leg, I will totally have an advantage in the pirate world.

4. Buy a ring:

I love my girlfriend so much, and there is nothing I could want more in the world than to marry her. But I can't just get married, I must first bribe her with a moderately sized rock. I'm lucky if I have money for a diet coke (losing weight) after paying all my bills.

Just another reason to pursue a career as a pirate. Why give your girl one ring when you can give her a treasure chest full of jewelery? Which I assume just wash up to your secret island when you are a pirate.

5. Use my time more constructively:

No more logging into MySpace/Facebook/Inkednation/SuicideGirls/National Registry for Sexual Offenders every five minutes. I think it is about time I went back to the things that actually benefited my life, like fornication and excessive drinking. At least they get me away from the computer and into the real world.


Did you make some resolutions? Leave a comment and tell me what they were.