I think when I signed up for blogger there was a stipulation in the "user agreement" (who reads those things?) that said I had to come up with New Year's Resolutions and post them. So, after four days of debating, here they are.
1. Find a new job:
I'm thinking "Pirate" sounds like a promising career. Hell, I'm already pirating downloaded music and movies. How much harder could it be to steal a boat full of Russian tanks or $100 million in crude oil?
2. Land a paid gig:
And no, I'm not referring to my former dream of becoming a male stripper.
Comedy has been going good, but I'm still just going through the ropes (sometimes I have to sneak into the club). I'm grateful for any opportunity I get to tell jokes about jerking off or anal rape, but it would be great if I could get paid to do it. So, Comedy Central, if you are reading this, I'm ready for my half hour special.
3. Lose weight:
I think everyone has to make this one, but I think I found an easy way out: I'm cutting off my right leg. Who needs two legs, anyway? Besides, if I get a wood stump as a replacement leg, I will totally have an advantage in the pirate world.
4. Buy a ring:
I love my girlfriend so much, and there is nothing I could want more in the world than to marry her. But I can't just get married, I must first bribe her with a moderately sized rock. I'm lucky if I have money for a diet coke (losing weight) after paying all my bills.
Just another reason to pursue a career as a pirate. Why give your girl one ring when you can give her a treasure chest full of jewelery? Which I assume just wash up to your secret island when you are a pirate.
5. Use my time more constructively:
No more logging into MySpace/Facebook/Inkednation/SuicideGirls/National Registry for Sexual Offenders every five minutes. I think it is about time I went back to the things that actually benefited my life, like fornication and excessive drinking. At least they get me away from the computer and into the real world.
Did you make some resolutions? Leave a comment and tell me what they were.
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4 comments:
I just found inkedNation myself...my work and I just got THAT much more deviated from tasks.
My bf and I want to get married too...but grad-school has gotten in the way, the money hungry whore. Get her a small one then trade up later when money is better..that's what some of my friends are doing. Or tattoo a rock on there...THATS the ticket!
Losing weight...I want a boob reduction...THAT will work. I go to the gym alot thus my need for both my legs.
You have great resolutions. I believe in you like I believe in aliens! ;-)
I'm resolving to stop making A's (it's pretentious and won't get me anywhere), eat more chocolate (it eliminates all traces of PMS at all times, and skinny is going to be out next season, I know it), and have more unsafe sex with strangers.
Jenn:
Watch out for inkednation, it will suck you in.
Terri:
I'm glad I'm on the same level as little green guys in your book.
Zombielace (Katie):
Your last resolution made me regret ever becoming friends with you because now I can never bank on scoring some sweet stranger sex from you.
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