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The following video was featured on Rooftop Comedy's "Daily 8."
Personally, I don't like it. Fuck it.

Seasonal Sweaters: A Great Part Of The Holidays Or The Greatest Part Of The Holidays?

October is here my friends, and that can only mean one thing: time to break out the seasonal sweaters! While most people cherish this month for its blissful weather, the turning of the leaves, or the overdose of sugar right at the end - I celebrate October for beginning the season of cheesy sweaters.

To demonstrate my love for seasonal sweaters, I have taken the time to find some of the craziest ones available online and will display them after the bump. If for some reason you would like to purchase one (why would you not?), each sweater is linked to a page where you can make such a tasteful purchase. After all, what better way to say, "Hey, I'm not worried about the collapse of the economy," than by purchasing an article of clothing that can only be worn for a few weeks out of the year.


Halloween

Halloween is a great holiday for adults because it is the one day out of the year where we can legally scare the shit out of little kids. While we might be too old to dress up in silly costumes, the following sweaters will be sure to scare kids and potential suitors.

Everyone knows black cats are bad luck, and if you wear the sweater above you are guaranteed to not get lucky with anyone who has aesthetic taste.

Each year, millions of pumpkins are mutilated in the celebration of Halloween. This year, do your part to save a pumpkin's life. There is no need to maim an innocent pumpkin when you can wear a sweater as cute as the one above! They even put in the extra effort to have legs dangling from the bottom. Now that is classy!

To really freak out the neighborhood kids, you will need more than just black cats and pumpkins. Thankfully, the sweater above provides that extra bit of spookiness with the addition of haunted houses! Not enough you say? Then check out the frills on the sleeves. Now that is frightful!


Thanksgiving

For some reason, it was hard finding Thanksgiving themed sweaters, and the ones I did find were so pixelated that I thought I was viewing them on an Atari. Thankfully, my search brought me to at least one...

While it doesn't scream Thanksgiving, it still captures the feel of the holiday. Here is something they don't teach you in history class: scarecrows were not allowed to attend the first Thanksgiving feast, foreshadowing a long history of prejudice in this country towards people made of straw.


Hanukkah

Like Thanksgiving, I found it frustrating looking for Hanukkah themed sweaters. I always thought Jews were "God's Chosen People." If that is the case, why does he want them to freeze? While I did find some, I could not find any good ones. Take the following for example:


Seriously, this is the best they have to offer? No wonder our economy is falling apart. If I was a Jewish banker and this was the only sweater I could find to demonstrate the love for my heritage, I would be messing up at work too. And you can not argue that Jews have more sense than to wear cheesy, over the top clothing. Do you remember The Nanny (too graphic to display here)?


Christmas

Christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of God's only son... Santa Claus!

Santa Claus not only died for our sins but is kind enough to return once a year to bestow presents upon us! The sweater above is so cute I just want to slip it on, curl up next to the chimney, and drink a cup of hot chocolate - in fashion nonetheless.

For those going for a simpler look, the sweater above gets the point across while maintaining a sense of eloquence. Nothing says fashion like a multitude of Santa heads. Again, special attention has been placed at the bottom of the sleeves. What better way to impress your guests then by shaking their hands with Santa cuffs.


Of course, Santa does not work alone...

Another little known history fact: elves formed the first labor union after the great North Pole strike of 1567. The sweater above demonstrates the carefree nature of Santa's little helpers, who, according to its depiction, are a lot smaller than we originally imagined, or that is the largest Christmas tree ever.


Of course, we all know that elves are make believe, and that Santa's real helpers are...

Penguins! Do you wish you could have a pet penguin? I know I do. I would dress it up in a tuxedo for overkill. Then I could have my own little personal butler too. Still, penguins do not work alone...

Snowmen are Santa's spies. They hang out during winter and report to Santa who has been naughty and who has been nice. So this year, give Frosty a nice scarf because it is freaking cold outside. Better yet, dress your snowman with the sweater above!


No sweater wardrobe would be complete unless it commemorated the real reason we celebrate Christmas...

KITTIES IN CHRISTMAS BAGS. OH MY GOD, THEY ARE SO FREAKING CUTE. Silly kitties are always causing trouble, but who can get mad when they are so damn cute? Kitties are God's greatest gift to humanity. Too bad they grow up to be asshole cats.


All jokes aside, the real reason we celebrate Christmas is to honor the birth of Jesus...

Nothing says, "Thanks Jesus," more than a sweater portraying his holy birth. Come Christmas, be the envy of every grandmother at Church with the sweater above.

Need more, or maybe these sweaters are not cheesy enough? Then why not make your own? The link leads to a wonderful site where you can create your own atrocious holiday sweaters. If only you could wear them to the company Christmas party!

Happy Holidays everyone!