Dear President Bush

I just watched your speech about the condition of the American economy, and I wanted to thank you for telling us everything we already know.

Keep up the good work!

The Male G-Spot: Getting To Know Your Prostate

Good news, guys, we have a G-Spot! Best of all, it is conveniently located in your ass! Let me introduce you to Mr. Prostate, or as Cosmopolitan Magazine could only say it – “the ultimate magic button to push if you want to blow his mind in bed.” According to a recent article, girls are not the only ones blessed with a little “magic button” that can release a roller coaster of pleasure (and I’m not talking about this). Usually a name uttered with the utmost discontent, the Prostate has been known to cause men nightmares for two reasons:

1. 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with Prostate Cancer this year.
2. The only way to check for Prostate Cancer is to have a doctor stick his finger up the butt.

Naturally then, it should come as a surprise that a magazine with such high credentials as Cosmo would make such a claim. I’ve had my Prostate examined before, and let me assure you, having an old man’s finger up my ass was not sensual. Actually, it was quite humiliating. At least at the doctor I knew what to expect, but this article suggests women should surprise their men by plugging their no-no spot. Why would any woman think that this would work for her guy? Sure, I mean, who hasn’t had a finger up his or her ass? But these things need to be prepared for. Tell me not to eat hot wings the day before and make sure you get me right after the shower. All the precautions taken care of, feel free to go digging for orgasmic gold in my asshole.

Of course, because the article is aimed at women, they feel the need to give instructions. Ladies, simply “place a finger in his anus,” then locate “a round bulb of tissue” and “(l)ightly tap or swirl your fingertip around it.” This just goes to show why women should not provide other women with advice on male sexuality. First off, I’m a least a two, maybe three finger kind of guy. Second, my girlfriend has to search for a “round bulb” inside of my butt? I’m sure she will find something round in there, but I’m not so sure it will be my prostate. Then she needs to swirl her fingertip around it? Gross, we are one step away from having another “2 Girls 1 Cup” fiasco.

While Cosmo may be forgiven for suggesting anal surprises, they go too far when the claim burning a man’s penis can provide pleasure. Sure, they don’t say it exactly like that, but suggesting women should “hold a mug of hot water for five seconds” before playing with Mr. Happy is close enough. I can’t even stand holding a hot mug; I certainly would not grab my member afterward. Besides, think of the possible dangers involved. Some girls are clumsy, and I do not like the possibility of hot water spilling on my very sensitive area.

In an effort to demonstrate their class, Cosmo also suggests butt massages. The article describes the alleged “X-Spot,” so called because the “crack between his buttocks, the creases where each butt cheek meets the backs of his thighs, plus the creases of his inner thighs form an X.” Now, don’t get me wrong, I would love to have my girlfriend massage my butt, but I do not think she shares my enthusiasm. Unless you are Brad Pitt or Barrack Obama, no one wants to see your butt, nonetheless massage it. I certainly would not want to massage a butt like mine, which is covered in more hair than the North Georgia Bigfoot. But if you ladies are willing to brave my gluts, why not just stick your tongue up there too, right? “To top it off, swirl your tongue around the most sizzling point: the center of his X-spot, where the two lines cross,” suggests Cosmo. Yes, I’m sure every woman’s dream is to swap spit with my poop shoot.

Normally, I would overlook such journalistic nonsense, but Cosmo is a repeat offender in steering women the wrong way, especially when it comes to providing them with advice on pleasuring men. Rarely will their articles provide decent advice, such as being quiet during his favorite shows, putting the toilet seat up after peeing, or role playing key political figures, like Sarah Palin, or better yet, Nancy Regan. You know - the real things that turn us guys on.

I think Cosmo needs to just quit providing advice (lies) about guys. Just as men will never understand women, women are not supposed to understand men, which is why they cannot appreciate the comedic value of farts.

Ladies, it does not take a rocket scientist to know what men really want. While most guys are open to experimentation, the bedroom is no place for surprises. Just as you would not enjoy being surprised by a small, disappointing package, or for that matter, a huge, unwanted one delivered to the wrong address, there is no need for sudden improv in the middle of the most important five minutes of his day.

And Cosmo, if you insist on continuing to provide sex advice to women, hire someone who knows what they are talking about. Consider this my application.

Who Buys Used Socks?

I will be the first to admit that I am a thrift store diva. My favorite t-shirts are those that I purchased at either Goodwill or Salvation Army. I especially like athletic shirts, the kind issued to community baseball leagues and such. They are so comfortable thanks to the right blend of cotton and the fact that someone else has already worn them in. The absolute best is finding a family reunion or similar shirt celebrating something from the mid 90s, providing the shirt with the right amount of time to age properly.

What gets me though is the fact that thrift stores sell used socks.

Who the hell wants to wear a socks worn in by someone else? This perturbs me. I am a sock fanatic, to the point that I only wear new socks. Seriously, I refuse to wear the same pair twice. A lot of people find my sock obsession absurd, but think about it. I spend about $7.00 for a package of 10 socks, so that is less than a dollar a day for the joy that comes with wearing a new pair of socks. Millions of cigarette addicts smoke a pack or more a day, and the average cost of a pack of cigarettes is around $5.00. Now what makes less sense? I could spend less than a dollar a day for pure comfort and better well being, or I could spend five times that to decrease my life span and be shunned everywhere I go. See now how logical my choice is? Feel free to adopt my ways.

Anyway, back to used socks. Besides the grossness factor involved with wearing something that touched the feet of a total stranger (I hate feet by the way), I'm perplexed by a few things:

1. Who donates socks? I know people donate a lot of crap, but who honestly looks at a pair of socks and thinks, "Well these are no longer good enough for me, but I'm sure some other poor sap would enjoy them."

2. How do they keep pairs of socks together? I could barely match two similar socks together in my own collection before I made the switch to new socks. How do they handle sorting through hundreds of socks at a time and ensuring matching socks stay together? Imagine the time and money wasted on such a futile effort. It could be spent blogging about used socks instead.

3. How do the decide which socks are nice enough to sell? I spent some time volunteering at a local Goodwill (court ordered), and I was amazed at how much stuff is passed over and thrown away. Seriously, I would say at least half the items that came in never made it to the sales floor. I saw them throw away over 20 televisions in one day without bothering to test them because they were already inundated with them. Thankfully I avoided the sock selection process, but perhaps it would have helped me write this article. Do they have a limit on how man holes are in the sock, or how many toes can poke through? Do they make judgments on coloration. such as deducting points for grass and dirt stains?

4. Most importantly, who is such a cheapskate that they will buy socks from a thrift store? Now, as I said before, I love thrift store shopping, especially for shirts and such, but that is totally different than buying socks. The shirts at thrift stores generally range anywhere from $1 to $3, versus spending $20 plus dollars for a new shirt. That is a huge difference. Now, socks at a thrift store probably go for 25 cents a pair, and as I mentioned before, they can be purchased brand new for about half a buck more. Who is that desperate for 50 cents that they are willing to wear old socks?

Now, what makes this topic so special to me is that I go through hundreds of socks each year. So what do I do with them? As tradition goes, I pass them on down to my younger brother. Really though, they have only been worn once and are still in good condition. However, I only see him once or twice a year, so I have this huge collection of socks building up. Sometimes I will let them pile up and mail them in a box attached to a "POSTAGE PAID FOR" envelope addressed to a debt collector or snail mail scam company (though tires are better to send). Lately I've thought about making custom sock puppets and selling them online. The proceeds could go to finding a cure for athlete's foot - then I could finally have something named after me.

Are Pigeons Cannibals?

I saw this image on FailBlog.org and it made me think...



Every now and then I'll be enjoying some delicious chicken nuggets when a little pigeon will swoop down in front of me and stare in my direction until I throw it a piece of meat. Fearing for my life, I obey.

While there are plenty of old ladies who spend their afternoons in the park feeding pigeons and squirrels pieces of bread (usually 10 feet away from some homeless veteran in a wheelchair) and I find this completely normal, I wonder about my part in feeding pigeons the meat of their fellow birds.

I've heard many people joke about pigeons being cannibals when they see them eating chicken meat, but is this correct? Certainly, pigeons and chickens are more similar than pigeons and humans, but they are not the same species. They are from the same class (Aves), but they are in completely different families (pigeon = Columbidae, chicken = Phasianidae). Therefore, to say a pigeon is a cannibal for consuming the flesh of another animal in its class, would be the same as saying one mammal consuming another mammal is cannibalistic.

That would indicate that humans are cannibals for consuming the meat of cows, pigs, horses, dogs, unicorns, etc.

So, while it may seem grotesque to see a pigeon eating chicken, it is by no means cannibalistic. So next time someone jokes about pigeons being cannibals, laugh in their face and walk away. Don't even explain it to them, just walk away so they feel totally humiliated. It will make you feel better about yourself; I can promise you that.

McCain Or Obama: Who Should I Vote For?

Unless you have been locked away in your trailer for the last three years, you are probably aware of the heated competition between the two Presidential candidates, John McCain and Barrack Obama. Depending on which news channel you watch, the candidates are neck and neck. If you are like me, and can barely stand reality TV, nonetheless, the real news, you may be feeling confused about the upcoming election. Maybe you are not sure who to vote for, or if you should vote at all. Now, I'm not a big corporate company or a major cable news network, so I don't have the know how to tell you who to vote for, but I can give you a preview of my decision process.

You see, as a male in my mid twenties and disillusioned to the petty politics in Washington, I only have one real factor that comes in to play when deciding who to vote for: is the candidate hot or not? Now, I don't find either McCain or Obama that attractive, which is one reason I voted for Hillary in the primaries, who at least looks better in a dress. What really matters is the hotness of the candidate's family and associates. Why do you think JFK beat Nixon? Have you ever seen Pat Nixon? While by no means butt ugly, she looks more like a 5th grade teacher than a MILF like Jackie O. John and Jackie were like the Brad and Angelina of the 60s. They were hot, and hot people are better at gaining power of the masses and persuading them into making thoughtless decisions (like watching either "Taking Lives" or "Meet Joe Black").

My decision this year, while perhaps uneducated and incredibly shallow, will be based solely on who has the hottest women associated with their campaign, either through family or political affiliates. If I'm going to have to stare at the same guy for the next 4 years, I want to make sure he has a visually pleasing backdrop. Presented before you is my argument for each candidate. I will present the hotness factors associated with both McCain and Obama, and then make a decision on who I think has the hottest campaign. Only in America!

First up, the McCain campaign:

No matter what side of the political sphere you lean towards, there is no denying that McCain has surrounded himself with some beautiful women. Working the same game as legends like Bob Barker and Hugh Hefner, McCain has obviously adopted the belief that the only way to make a large audience interested in an old geezer like himself is to be constantly surrounded by sexy women, which brings us to the first two examples:

Sarah Palin



Perhaps McCain's best decision during this election year was choosing the hottest VP Candidate of all time. Who cares about the woman's lack of experience or her alleged abuse of power, what really matters is that Sarah Palin is a total babe. While I may not agree with her on a lot of issues, I'd willingly submit to her views on abortion and gun control for a romp at the Governor's mansion. Between that hot librarian look and the history as a beauty pageant contestant, Palin achieves total hotness points. Not to mention that she is a MILF! And if you have seen her three daughters (Bristol, Willow, and Piper), you know this family has the potential to become even hotter.

Cindy McCain



Say what you will about John McCain's failure to maintain the sanctity of his first marriage, no one can deny he made up for it by marrying the bombshell named Cindy Lou. Granted, she falls short in comparison to the likes of Michelle Obama or Sarah Palin, but the woman still maintains some serious hotness vibes. First, as the chairman of a Hensley & Company, she makes millions of dollars each year, much more than John makes as a senator, which means John McCain has a sugar momma! Second, as the mother of two children, Meghan and Jack, she earns MILF points as well. Again, while I may not agree with all of her political views, I can assure you that I'd give up all my standards to spend one night as her Maverick.

Bristol, Willow, and Piper Palin



The Palin daughters are perhaps the single best thing McCain has going for him. The eldest Palin, Bristol, is already making headlines with her teenage pregnancy. Only 17, she is already on the track to becoming one of America's greatest MILFs. There is no denying Bristol is a hottie, and with the age of consent in Alaska only 16, she is a legal hottie!

Next in line is Willow Palin, who at the tender age of 13 may not appeal to the adult crowd, but she is bound to become the wet dream of every middle school boy in the nation. This is an excellent strategy on the behalf of John McCain whose polls in the MTV crowd of young teenage women was failing miserably in comparison to his opponent, Barrack Obama. Through Willow Palin, young girls have a new role model to rival the likes of Paris Hilton, Jamie Lynn Spears, and even her older sister, Bristol Palin. Also, should McCain win this year, he will have the possibility of Willow making headlines in 2012 when she outdoes Bristol with her tabloid drama (I'm guessing it will invovle drugs and lesbian activity).

Six (or seven depending on the source[1][2]) year old Piper Palin is by far the cutest thing in the whole election. Pundits could not avoid falling in love with the image of Piper nurturing her younger brother, Trig, at the convention on Wednesday. While obviously not a sexual object like her older sister, Piper earns cuttness factors and will almost definently be a complete hottie when she grows up.

Meghan McCain



The greatest tragedy so far this election year is the lack of coverage on Meghan McCain, who is a total Maverick. Meghan first achieves uber hotness for being a fellow blogger! She is also a published author, went to an all girl's catholic school, attended college at Columbia, and interned for Saturday Night Live (which would have been more appealing in the early 90s, but still respectable). Obviously gaining major hot geeky girl points, Meghan McCain also attains major cool props for being a beer drinking gal as the photo from a GQ article demonstrates above. She even appeals to the hip Apple crowd for using a MacBook. Though she is too young to run now, I can't wait till she runs for President under the McCain/McCain ballot when her breasts are nominated. Known to cross party ties (she voted for Kerry in 2004), Meghan's boobs could change the two party system forever by allowing her left breast to represent the Democrats and her right breast the Republicans. The only divide between the two parties would fall nicely between Meghan's amazing cleavage line.


Next up, the Obama Campaign

None can deny that Barrack Obama is a sensation (his opponents probably point this out more than his supporters). As a young, confident, black man, Obama is generating a storm in Washington by promoting a sense of change in the current state of Politics. Obama is a lot lot like JFK, in that he is much younger than his opponent and extremely liberal, but most importantly, he has one helluva wife, leading us to...

Michelle Obama



I first fell for Michelle Obama when she appeared on The Colbert Report back in April. She had the hottest little dress on, which allowed Michelle to show off her amazingly sexy legs (adding extra strength to her husband's race to the Presidency). Michelle is everything a First Lady should be, well educated (attended Princeton and Harvard), an established MILF (two daughters, Malia Ann and Sasha), an amazing speaker, and incredibly easy on the eyes. Who cares if Obama lacks foreign policy experience? If Barrack Obama wins the presidency, he will just have to send his wife overseas to "wow" all of our enemies into submission. How do you think JFK avoided an all out war during the Cuban Missile Crisis? He sent nude photos of his wife to the Commies in exchange for their cooperation. Works every time.

Ashley Biden



The daughter of Vice-Presidential candidate, Joe Biden, Ashely must really hate cameras because it is almost impossible to find a good photo of her on the Internet, hence the need to use the photo above in which she is joined by her father, brother Beau, and some other guy. Of course, her allusiveness just adds to her hotness points. Named one of "Delaware's People to Watch," the 27 year old is a social worker and board member for YWCA Delaware. Following in the footsteps of her father, the young lady is already doing her part to help American citizens, but wait, this good girl has a bad side too! Ashely was arrested in 2002 for "obstructing a police officer." I don't know about you, but I hate cops, so while others are griping about the liberal media's lack of coverage on Ashley's criminal background, I salute the girl for standing up to those pigs!

Obama Girl



While not directly related to Obama, the "Obama Girl" (Amber Lee Ettinger) has made headlines (and turned plenty of heads) for her now infamous video "I Got a Crush... on Obama." Generating almost ten million hits on Youtube, and inspiring a new Web site, the Obama Girl is probably the best thing to happen to the whole election, nonetheless the Obama Campaign. Thanks to the work of this little hottie, millions of young men have now become interested in politics, which just goes to show that sex is the most powerful form of persuasion, even when it comes down to which candidate to choose (hint hint Sarah Palin).

So, Who Wins?

This is a tough decision. Certainly, McCain wins the numbers race by having the most hotties with four (not including Willow and Piper) compared to Obama's three; however, quantity does not always make up for quality, and Obama certainly gives McCain a run for his money when it comes to the quality of the women associated with his campaign. So, who do I pick...

Levi Johnston



Screw the Presidential race, the true winner this election year is none other than Levi Johnston. While most high school seniors would dread the prospect of getting their girlfriend pregnant, Levi is in a win win situation. First off, Bristol is a major babe, and, as can be demonstrated by her mother, she is only going to get hotter as she gets older. Secondly, if McCain should win the election, Levi has secured himself a stay at the White House and has done it much easier than anyone prior. Third, the guy is now a total dude magnet for teenage girls across the nation, providing him with the ability to impregnate any underage girl he desires (just make sure they are in states with slack age of consent laws Levi!). Damn, I just wish I had thought of this before he did. What better way to become famous and powerful than planting your seed in the daughter of a major political figure. Even from an evolutionary standpoint (watch out Conservatives), Levi earns major props for ensuring that his offspring will live a privileged life.

Levi Johnston, you sir, are my pick for 2008! Congratulations! Any chance you might hook me up with your sister Mercedes Johnston or something?

Photos Of My Sick Russ Abbott Sleeve

I could not be happier with this tattoo. Thank you Russ for the amazing sleeve, but special thanks for the "happy ending" after every tattoo session.







Also, check out the following video from thestuffinside.com/russ. Jim Beam decided to shoot a movie about me (well Russ really, but I'm in it more). You can see what the tattoo looked like in during the process. You can check out my sweet beard/stach combo too.

The Trouble With Words: Cocksucker

I find it funny that, depending on the context, one word can have two different meanings. For example, the meaning of “cocksucker," certainly one of the finest words in the English language, relies solely on the context of the situation. Like everything in life, it falls back to a difference between the sexes. When referring to a woman as a cocksucker, the word often carries a positive meaning. Such as, “Damn, Sally Jean is the best cocksucker in all of Topeka.” Of course, while most women fall into the category of cocksucker at one point in their lives, not all remain there. No, some become married, and instead of sucking your dick, they slowly suck away at your soul. But I digress…

Now, if you call a guy a cocksucker, it has a totally different meaning. Yes, it refers to the same action, but a guy sucking cock is deemed inappropriate by some, gross by others, and sinful to the really crazy ones. Also, to call another guy a cocksucker essentially aligns him with women, and thus a lower form of species. Now, I don’t want to get too deep, but I do have a point here: why even have negative forms of cocksucker? I really think men are putting off the wrong message.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not craving any sausage, but I really think we need to consider the message we are portraying to women. By calling a guy a cocksucker in a negative way, we are actually negating the action of sucking cock. Essentially, we are saying, “No way dude, that sounds gross.” But at the same time, we are trying to convince the ladies to do it, “Oh come on baby, just lick it once. Go ahead and swallow, it contains protein.” Of course, this is why we come up with crazy excuses like “it will make your skin glow” in the first place. Because we assume it must suck to give a BJ, we feel the need to convince women into doing it. However, if we get rid of all negative forms of the word, we might also rid ourselves of the need to come up with these horrible excuses.

So, next time you want to degrade another guy, instead of calling him a cocksucker, call him something you would never want your woman to do. That is why I’m going to refer to every douche bag out there as a “nipple twister” instead. Because, as much as I like some roughness in the bedroom, I still suffer from the trauma I ensued from multiple games of “Tune in Tokyo.”