Any guy who says, “I don’t watch porn,” is either a liar or a very scary man (see: religious fanatics). Do not get me wrong, by no means am I a porn addict. I do not subscribe to adult websites; however, I do have a subscription to Playboy (I really do buy it for the insightful articles, but it is nice to come across a beautiful naked woman every thirty pages or so). I have never bought a porno movie, but I have rented one before for pure comical reasons (Midget + Granny + Video Tape = best entertainment you can find for your twelve year old nephew’s birthday party). But on those nights when I cannot fall asleep, I might look up a mild, erotic film to help relief my nerves.
Now, some people are picky when it comes to what gets the juices flowing. That is why there are so many different genres of porno out there. Porn provides viewers the closest chance they will ever have to making their fantasy come true. Whether you are into young Asian girls or young barnyard animals, the options are endless. Now, going along with this notion, in order to get into one of these movies, you must be able to picture yourself in the situation. Disregarding the fact that a woman of immense beauty is never going to sleep with you (probably why you are watching porn in the first place), the situation has to seem believable. That is why, even with the large amount of really strange porn out there, most of it still revolves around casual, one on one, male and female sex. This is my comfort zone. I have my preference in angles (see: reverse cowgirl) and scenarios (see: teacher’s pet), but most of the time, as long as the girl is hot, and I do not see too much of the guy’s butt, I’m happy.
What kills it for me each time is when the flick I’m watching turns out to be double penetration porn. Not to get me wrong, I find nothing wrong with two penises being in the same room at once, but it goes back to my rule earlier – to get off, I have to picture myself in the scenario. Really, I have no problem with the whole other dude thing. Granted, if one day my girl said, “Hey sweetie, this is really fun, but you think maybe the pizza guy could join in?” it might be weird, but, again, sex in porn is usually depicted as a casual encounter. My main problem is that I would not know how to act in the situation. I’m already shy when it comes to sex anyway (see: crying for hours at a time), and I think having another dude involved would just make me more anxious.
First, how do you decide who goes where? I mean, do you toss a coin? Does the girl decide? Does she decide on size and which penis will fit better? These things make it too complicated for me. Even when you get beyond the initial penetration, how are you supposed to act during the actual intercourse? Should I avoid eye contact? Is it OK to slap a “high five” in the middle of it? Should I spank him? What if our faces get real close and I accidentally kiss him? What if our pubes get caught on each other? It is bad enough when it happens in my zipper; I would hate for them to get caught on another dude.
Then there is the whole “finishing act.” I like to think of my performance as a unique, one man show. Plus, not to say anything about my abilities as a lover, but I am not like one of those guys in the movies who can go for hours at a time. I’m like the fast food of sex; it might not be that good, but I serve it quick and I will fill you up. What happens when I finish half way into the show and the other guy is still going? Do I have to hang out? Should I cheer him on from the sideline?
It makes me wonder who is actually comfortable with that kind of situation. I’m guessing it is the same guy that does not really care who or what he is doing, just as long as he is doing it.
