Get a Russ Abbott

So yesterday, I visited my good friend Russ Abbott to have my right sleeve finished (pictures up soon). Anyway, to top the excitement of having my sleeve finally done after a year and a half, I was shown the latest Jim Beam ad on the back cover of Inked Magazine!



That good looking guy on the right is none other than me! Also, that is my arm being worked on in the picture on the left!

Of course, if you go to the link thestuffinside.com/russ , you can watch a documentary starring Russ, but co-starring your's truly. There is also a separate video all about tattooing me.

I am a Jim Beam star! Now I'm just crossing my fingers hoping the Jim Beam girls show up at my house.

Double Penetration: Not For Me Please!

Any guy who says, “I don’t watch porn,” is either a liar or a very scary man (see: religious fanatics). Do not get me wrong, by no means am I a porn addict. I do not subscribe to adult websites; however, I do have a subscription to Playboy (I really do buy it for the insightful articles, but it is nice to come across a beautiful naked woman every thirty pages or so). I have never bought a porno movie, but I have rented one before for pure comical reasons (Midget + Granny + Video Tape = best entertainment you can find for your twelve year old nephew’s birthday party). But on those nights when I cannot fall asleep, I might look up a mild, erotic film to help relief my nerves.

Now, some people are picky when it comes to what gets the juices flowing. That is why there are so many different genres of porno out there. Porn provides viewers the closest chance they will ever have to making their fantasy come true. Whether you are into young Asian girls or young barnyard animals, the options are endless. Now, going along with this notion, in order to get into one of these movies, you must be able to picture yourself in the situation. Disregarding the fact that a woman of immense beauty is never going to sleep with you (probably why you are watching porn in the first place), the situation has to seem believable. That is why, even with the large amount of really strange porn out there, most of it still revolves around casual, one on one, male and female sex. This is my comfort zone. I have my preference in angles (see: reverse cowgirl) and scenarios (see: teacher’s pet), but most of the time, as long as the girl is hot, and I do not see too much of the guy’s butt, I’m happy.

What kills it for me each time is when the flick I’m watching turns out to be double penetration porn. Not to get me wrong, I find nothing wrong with two penises being in the same room at once, but it goes back to my rule earlier – to get off, I have to picture myself in the scenario. Really, I have no problem with the whole other dude thing. Granted, if one day my girl said, “Hey sweetie, this is really fun, but you think maybe the pizza guy could join in?” it might be weird, but, again, sex in porn is usually depicted as a casual encounter. My main problem is that I would not know how to act in the situation. I’m already shy when it comes to sex anyway (see: crying for hours at a time), and I think having another dude involved would just make me more anxious.

First, how do you decide who goes where? I mean, do you toss a coin? Does the girl decide? Does she decide on size and which penis will fit better? These things make it too complicated for me. Even when you get beyond the initial penetration, how are you supposed to act during the actual intercourse? Should I avoid eye contact? Is it OK to slap a “high five” in the middle of it? Should I spank him? What if our faces get real close and I accidentally kiss him? What if our pubes get caught on each other? It is bad enough when it happens in my zipper; I would hate for them to get caught on another dude.

Then there is the whole “finishing act.” I like to think of my performance as a unique, one man show. Plus, not to say anything about my abilities as a lover, but I am not like one of those guys in the movies who can go for hours at a time. I’m like the fast food of sex; it might not be that good, but I serve it quick and I will fill you up. What happens when I finish half way into the show and the other guy is still going? Do I have to hang out? Should I cheer him on from the sideline?

It makes me wonder who is actually comfortable with that kind of situation. I’m guessing it is the same guy that does not really care who or what he is doing, just as long as he is doing it.

The Heimlich Maneuver: Helpful Or Creepy?

Henry Heimlich was a sick man. That is the only excuse for how extremely sexual the Hemlich Maneuver appears. Recently I had to take a certification class in Adult CPR, and I could not help but laugh at the images provided for demonstration. Of course, google never fails to deliver the best of the best when it comes to finding some amazing images.

After the bump are the ones I deemed awesome enough to take the time to copy them here. After searching images on 6 pages, I was about to give up. But something inside told me to click "next" one more time. To think I almost missed out on the greatest image of them all. Perhaps too explicit to display here, but it leads to a website that sells Resus-Porn Apparently there is at least a small market for those who get off on mouth to mouth. Other movies for sale showcase everything from a girl who is "careless in the hot tub and ends up passing out from heat exhaustion!" to a girl who "hates needles and gets faint when having plasma drawn." CPR fetishes might officially take the weirdness award away from foot fetishes. Still, I might buy a DVD. For Research.

Helpful or Creepy?


"We'll see if you drink the last Budweiser again!"



Pretty sure I saw this occur at a sorority party one night.




Pretty sure the guy behind has the same face during actual sex.

Gotta include the young ones!



Foreplay is even important when they are young.




Check out that kid's diaper. Looks like another case of PDA (Poopy Diaper Asphyxiation). Demonstrating the need to always change your child's diaper at least once every other day.



Leave it to the Germans to come up with this one. Apparently demonstrating the "The Proto-Heimlich Maneuver."

Of course, you can't do anything these days without your dog!



The best way to ensure Fido never eats your steak again!