November Rain Or: Enough Misery To Inspire A Ten Minute Rock Ballad

"November Rain" is one of the greatest rock ballads of all time. Do you have any idea how many girls Slash slept with because of that song alone? The guy is still plugging teenage girls because of his award-winning solo.

It was the first song that made me cry, and I never understood why it conjured up such emotions. That is, until today. Rainy days in November suck more than a transvestite in Midtown. Dark, cold, and wet, they are completely miserable. The kind of miserable that inspires a ten minute rock ballad.

I despise driving on the death trap that I-75 becomes on a day like this. Normally, I get to work in twenty to thirty minutes, often going faster than the "recommended" speed limit. But on a rainy day, I barely tread over sixty mph. Thanks to the recent "Downtown Connector Resurfacing Project," Atlanta has been blessed with a "smooth, pristine blacktop and its gleaming white ribbons." Sure, it is nice to drive on brand new asphalt on a sunny day, but the moment a drop of water hits the pavement it turns into a Slip 'N Slide.

If I do make it to work safely, I have to walk through the puddle-ridden sidewalks of East Atlanta. Nothing quite compares to the agony I experience when the bottom of my jeans become soaking wet. I loathe the feeling of cold damp denim rubbing up against my hairy man legs. I can only imagine it is slightly less torture than waterboarding.

And screw everyone who says, "We could use the rain." Fudge that. There is never a need for rain. Rain was created by the magicians who run the church to be used as a scare tactic.

1. Convince people that water can fall from the sky in the form of rain.
2. Then tell them a story about how God once got angry and used rain to destroy all of humanity.
3. Congratulations, you now have a devoted base of fearful people who will follow your every command(ment).

I cannot tell you how they make water fall from the sky, but I can assure you, it is not natural.

There is only one redeeming thing about the weather: girls look hot in rain boots.

Photos taken from Hip Candy

Well I better get off the computer before lightning strikes.

Also, if Chinese Democracy is your first dose of Gun N' Roses (Dear God), then please watch the following video and see how awesome GNR use to be.