Time Flies By

Not a single blog post for all of May. Wow, I suck.

I've been busy. Busy working. Busy performing. Busy doing everything else online but blogging. I'm all over Twitter, spend most of my time on Facebook, and occasionally log into MySpace to add hot girls from cities I'm performing in (or, most of the time, wish I was performing in). For that, I apologize dear blog followers.

So, what inspires me to write now? A wonderful weekend in the Mountains away from all of it. I got to visit two new cities this weekend: Charlotte and Asheville North Carolina.

I had the great pleasure of performing in Charlotte this last Saturday at The Common Market. The place was a deli/convenience store that sold every beer on the planet (super cheap nonetheless), and just so happened to have a performance space set up in their alley. The place was unlike any other venue I've been too. The idea that you could go buy a beer super cheap at a store, then drink it in that very store, order a salami sandwich, and then watch a stand-up comedy show in the alley blew my mind at first, but the show turned out tremendously well. The people in Charlotte were amazing, both the audience and the performers.

Most importantly, I made new friends in Charlotte. I've worked with a lot of people in my short stint in comedy, but I can honestly say working with Rodney and everyone else with Habitual Ritual Comedy was the best experience I've had thus far (commence dick sucking here). In all honesty, he's the only promoter I've worked with who treated me as a friend. I feel like I made a new BFF (commence crying here).

After turning down the two young ladies that offered me a place to stay, and the twenty dudes who made the same offer, I hit the road to Asheville to spend the night with my good friend Heather.

Asheville is a great city. It has the small town fell, with a decent downtown area. There seems to be a large population of hippies, who appear to have more kids than Mexicans. Yes, hippies are the Mexicans of Asheville. But Asheville's true beauty is found in its location. Surrounded by some of the most beautiful mountains I have ever seen, Asheville was a great place to spend a relaxed Sunday afternoon.

Wow, I'm starting to sound like a travel blog writer. Maybe the Travel Channel will offer me a job.

Going on the road was a great experience. I can't wait to book more out of state shows. I have an upcoming show in Spartanburg, SC, and I'm making arrangements for other shows now. If you want me to come to your city, feel free to send me an e-mail.

The Best Revenge Story Ever

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."
-Pierre Choderlos de Laclos

"Revenge is a bowl best served warm and yellow."
-Joe Pettis

When I was about four or five, I was hanging out with my cousin, Marie. She was probably three. Anyway, she did something that made me really mad. I can't remember what it was exactly - probably something like saying the Ninja Turtles were stupid.

So, I was mad, and, to seek revenge, I peed into a giant bowl, snuck up behind her, and I poured it on her head. I've never given a girl a golden shower, but I did give my cousin a golden waterfall.

As The Incredible Hulk would say, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

I Almost Died Today

Seriously.

I rode 1/3 mile on my bicycle today, and I almost died.

1/3 of a mile.

I didn't even get out of the neighborhood before my thighs started burning like a mofo and I had an asthma attack. Thankfully, an elderly couple, who happened to be returning home from their five mile jog, were able to resuscitate me after I passed out in their yard.

I realize I'm out of shape; after all, that is why I bought the bicycle in the first place. But I didn't realize how truly out of shape I really am.

When I was 14, I rode my bicycle all day. I rode it to school, from school, and everywhere after school. My best friend, Ryan Pierce, and I would ride our bicycles until the sun went down. We easily tracked 10 to 20 miles everyday, without a sweat. Now I can't even leave the cul-de-sac without almost dying.

I've finally realized what I must do. First, I have to become famous (it can't be that hard, right?) Then, I have to really let myself let go. Like Orson Wells kind of let go (was that hack?).

That way I can get on one of those celebrity fat camp shows and just ride the gravy train to the bank (literally). As degrading as it might be, at least it is more honorable than ending up on "Celebrity Rehab."